Working with the Self-critic 

We all have it—the part of ourselves that harshly judges what we do. Depending on what you value and your learning history, the content of the self-critic may vary, but it probably sounds something like…
You are stupid
You are unattractive
Nobody really likes you
Nobody is going to want to date you
You are a loser
You don’t make enough money
You are lazy
You are dull and boring
You will never amount to anything
You will never get the promotion
You will always be fat
You will always be a loser
You will always be selfish

You get the idea. The critic likes to tell you a story about the fixed way you are. Clues that there is a fixed perception of self at play include the you *are*, you will *never*, *nobody…*, and you *always* in the examples above. These paint a picture of the self as fixed and unchangeable, when in reality, we are constantly in flux.

The self-critic weaves a story that plays into our fears and insecurities. It may suggest that this “fixed” part of your identity is at odds with something you value. It may also suggest that this “fixed” part of your identity is at odds with something you have learned is an important means to an end that you want. If you value intelligence, your critic may tell you you are stupid. Or perhaps you have learned that if you perform well in school you will get the attention from a caregiver that you long for. The self-critic may create a narrative based on your lack of intelligence to try to help you get attention, even if you don’t innately value intelligence. Either way, the self-critic latches onto a pain point and exploits it.

As I am writing now, my husband interrupts my line of thought. I feel short of breath, tension in my shoulders, heat in my body, a clinching of my jaw. I feel anger. I try to signal this emotion to him through short responses and blank stares.

The inner critic barges in and judges me for both my passive aggressive response and even more so for feeling angry. I innately value directness, so I judge myself for being passive and indirect. Because of society and my upbringing, I also have learned that women aren’t supposed to feel angry. They are certainly not supposed to feel angry with important men in their lives and especially not if the anger is because the woman’s desires are being stymied. You can see how the critic that showed up in this example has origins both in my personal values and in regards to my learning history.

Why is it important to understand and disentangle from our self-critic?

If we don’t understand where the critic is coming from, we won’t know how to effectively channel it. In the example above with my husband, if I operate as if my critic is showing itself just because of social conditioning around gender roles with expressing anger, I will be disregarding that a part of my self-critic is trying to help me live more value aligned. There is a part of my self-critic that is *trying* to tell me, “yo! cut the passive-aggressive BS out. This isn’t the way you want to be in the world, and especially not with someone you love. Be kind, be direct, and ask for what you need: a bit more time to process your thoughts so that you can engage more fully with him when you are done.”

Notice I said the self-critic is *trying* to tell me this. It can be crude and misguided in the way it communicates, but we have to listen to it to hear the underlying message and decide if it is worth attending to, reframing, and adjusting our behavior for.

If we don’t understand where the critic is coming from, we won’t know how to effectively let it go. Even though the critic can try to tell us important information about our behavior in relation to what we really value, it can also misguide us. This is especially true when the critic’s narrative prioritizes things that are out of sync with our own personal values but in service of other things we value. In this way, If we let this version of our critic dominate, our true self shrinks.

For example, don’t feel or express anger or you will not have the connection and relationships you want. I personally value emotional awareness, self expression, and interpersonal directness. I also value connection and relationships. Because I learned historically that anger threatens relationships, I learned that I had to choose between these values. This often times meant choosing to cleave off part of my true self (emotional expression) in service of my value for connection and relationships. If I don’t understand where this part of my critic is coming from (my history where these two values and desires were in conflict), I won’t be able to let it go.

So it is important to understand where your self-critic is coming from. But how?

1. Name it to tame it—I’m co-oping this phrase from Dan Siegel, professor of psychiatry and pioneer in the field of interpersonal neurobiology. In this context, what I mean by name it to tame is to identify exactly what the self-critic is saying. In my example above, it is saying “you should not be angry.” If we get to attached to the content of what the self-critic is saying, we may have a hard time even labeling it. So the first step is to recognize what the self-critic is saying.
   Taking this a step further is to label that it is the self-critic who is driving the narrative. This can look like labeling the phrase as coming from the self-critic: “My self-critic is telling me you should not be angry…my self-critic is telling me I’m obnoxious, insensitive, and unworthy of expressing my needs….” This places some space between you and the narrative itself. One of my favorite quotes, often attributable to Viktor Frankel, is paraphrased as “the space between stimulus and response is the space of freedom.” When we can see the content of our thoughts as originating from our self-critic, not “ourselves”, we have freedom about how we respond to it and what we do with it.
2. Be curious about why it is showing up—maybe the critic has a valid message hidden amidst an abysmal delivery. Maybe it is a product of social conditioning. Maybe it says something about who you want to be or ways you are living outside of your values. Maybe it clues you in to a deep fear. Or, maybe it clues you into a deep yearning.
   This stage is crucial for understanding your self-critic and effectively working with it. It is not sufficient to try to irradiate or challenge or bully back your self-critic. If we can understand it, we can either let it go or integrate it into our self. Understanding the meaning of it showing up can allow us to work with it more effectively AND not be as beat up in the process.
3. Relate to it differently—the critic has a domineering effect, leaving little space for generatively or collaboration. It is natural to shrink down when faced with the inner critic. I think when people are first learning to address their inner critic, they buck back up to it, trying to shrink it into submission. The problem with this is you’re then engaged in a power struggle. Like a game of tug of war, you may pull hard, but self-critic will eventually pull back harder. And all the while you’re engaged in a competition where there is one winner and one looser. Even if you win this match, you are bound to loose others.
   And this is not to mention the opportunity cost to the back and forth. If you are relating to your self-critic as an adversary, you certainly aren’t learning from it. Plus, engaging in battle is incompatible with other growth-promoting ways of being like curiosity, awe, love, and beauty. I propose a different way of relating to your self critic—not to shrink into submission nor to buck back as a response, but approach the self-critic with what I somewhere heard referred to as a firm back and an open heart. Approach it with solid boundaries simultaneously with openness, love, and curiosity. 

In relating differently to your self-critic, you have options. You can heed advice it might have for you, offer compassion to a scared version of you, establish boundaries and put it in its right place (outside of you) if it’s societal messaging you’ve internalized, or let it help you understand if there are things you need to adjust in your behavior to live more consistently with the you you want to be. The part of the critic that was telling me something about my passive-aggressive response was worth heeded and reframing in a kinder, less-judgmental way. This prompted me to take value-driven action (apologize to my husband). The part of the self-critic that was due to internalized shame about feeling anger as a woman is not so useful in me living the life I want to live or being the person I want to be. Labeling this allowed me to disentangle from it and put it in its right place–outside of me and not for me to own.